Despite all that, I still must dampen my expressiveness. Because I never learnt how to be appropriately expressive, it only comes off as cringe and irritating, so it's better for everyone that I come off more muted in tone.

im more creative when im sad, maybe im not meant to be happy

pasting here a comment i found on reddit when searching for a visual phenomenom that i've noticed:
"when i look at a popcorn ceiling and don't blink, it'll ripple, breathe, and flow like water; but will instantly 'reset' when my eye so much as blinks (they continue if i blink when i'm dissociating though (i'll get to that in a minute)). also, ever since i was in 4th or 5th grade (my earliest memory of this visual) in more specific scenarios, such as when someone is in front of a whiteboard and not moving a whole lot, i'll see a faint, very slight off-white outline of said person, that will move on it's own instead of staying in place. if i don't directly focus on the person, but rather keep them like ¼ in my direct vision and ¾ in my peripheral. just like with the ceilings and blank walls though, if my eye twitches or moves it goes away. i also see hella tracers, but only overwhelming when i'm trying to lay down or relax (when i smoke at work, everything gets blurry with the nicotine when i sit down. i'll usually have to sit down after i put it out for a minute or two to stop; but i smoke because hospital bills are forcing me to work 14hr shifts)

finally, when i mentioned dissociating, i'm doing so due to suspected depersonalization; and while i haven't been professionally diagnosed, i'm showing near identical signs to it: apathy, dissociation, feeling as if my thoughts aren't my own (like a "wheel" of different minds producing intrusive, almost always negative and self destructive), and feeling a very clear separation of mind and body; almost as if i have a second, 'mental' body that encompasses my emotions and conscious 1,000 miles away from my body. not necessarily behind, in front, or to the side of my body, but just away. and with this, i'm sure it helps distort shit, as well as HPPD from psychedelic use (DMT, salvia, and a few times DXM and LSD). i haven't tripped in about 4 or 5 months now though, so idk if it's HPPD though; plus this has been happening for a few years, and i started messing with psychedelics almost one year ago"
source: https://www.reddit.com/r/Aphantasia/s/d8quqcAsYp